Hi, MO...
Please don't feel you should apologize for venting...we all do it. Do it as often as you need to do it, we'll listen.

I'm glad you chose to vent and let these feelings/lack of some of them out.
You mentioned that you have not been seen by any medical professional in 8 months for your family physician, 13 years for a mental health professional...
In that time span there have been many new treatments and drugs that have enabled people to live fulfilling lives. Perhaps checking in with your family physician and having a good talk with him is in order?
If talking with him is difficult then print your post. It would at least be a starting point.

Depression can be treated. When you shared about what happens when you are touched, I wondered if you may also have PTSD.
I do and one of the things that will cause me to cold cock someone is if they silently come up behind me...my family and friends know to hum or low whistle to let me know they are approaching me.

There is so much more to life than being in limbo. It's not always wonderful, but the good days do outnumber the sad ones.
You have a loyal and loving girlfriend, MO. She is seeing more good in you than you can see in yourself right now, if she didn't I don't believe she would stay with you.
Building on the affection and safety of this relationship might lead to more peace/hope/trust...
jmo

Peace to you,
Cap