Thanks everyone. Y'all have been so awesome with your responses and have given me a lot to think about. I agree with all of you - diagnosing myself is a mistake (I'm sure I'd end up adding hypochondriac to my list when it was all said and done lol). I see a school counselor but have mainly been using her as a resource for grief counseling. I started seeing her last summer for self confidence issues and told her about some of the things I struggled with in my past, but then my mom was diagnosed with end stage cancer... and all the focus on figuring out what was wrong with me went out the window... Anyhow, I'm not sure if the school counselor is equipped to deal with the types of problems I noted above. It may be that she is, but I'm not sure. She said it's a good thing that I cry every so often and she doesn't see my dissociation as a problem so long as it isn't interfering with my life. I guess I'm just getting by like I usually do.

(the following may be considered triggering and as noted before is lots of stupid uninteresting details of my life)

I'm also not very forth coming with Ts. I had one for ten years (got put in therapy after a suicide note when I was seven... or as close to a suicide note as you can get at seven years old. I talked about how I wish I wasn't born and how I didn't know who I was... that I could be any one, "briana, Kevin, or some stranger on the street." I wrote that I felt like I was a black hole... lol I <strike>was</strike> am so messed up). Any way... It's weird... In therapy these days, I usually put on this cold, cool, collected exterior when I am with a T. I think extremely rationally and appear very together (except for being always late to appointments). I very rarely cry in T though I have gone a couple times and just melted down...

When I was younger I avoided doing work in T by playing games (pick up sticks and stuff like that... I actually don't remember a whole lot about therapy either). My T would always ask me "Are you ready to do work today?" It finally got to the point where she would force me to work. Towards the end of my T, I was very uncaring towards her or myself. I refused to sign safety contracts or I just broke them and didn't care. I laughed cynically at the idea of me (to put it nicely) not being around any more. That was shortly after I was raped and shortly before she left me as a T forever. o_O Not that her staying was helping much. I was very uncooperative.

Moreover, my fiance doesn't think there is anything wrong with me. He doesn't want me on meds because he thinks it is an easy way out and he says that I don't have a chemical imbalance (psych major, just graduated). He says I can go long periods of time being happy... that I just don't handle stress well at all. He said that's normal and every one feels that way

Even if I went to T... I don't know if I would do the hard work necessary... ;_;