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dalila · 03:09 PM

My brother has finally been able to get into therapy. He has always been more attached to our mother than I. He has talked to her about his therapy and issues. One of the biggies for him and I has been abandonment. So she called me and wanted to get some insight into why we have this issue.

Thrown off balance, I talked about how she used to tell me that she was going to give me to an orphanage if I didn’t behave. When she said she didn’t mean it, I told her that I had believed her. Then I brought up the time I was sent to live with my godparents and she immediately flipped it onto my dad. After all he was the one who left me with my godparents; he was gone on annual Mediterranean trips. . .

I have always adored my dad. He was my anchor in a world that often seemed beyond tolerating. As long as he was there I could steer a straight course in life and I knew someone loved me unconditionally. My dad is in Heaven now and has been for a long time, but he is still a constant in my heart and mind.

The subject has continued to run thought my mind though at the time I felt that it was not worth upsetting my mother more and changed the subject. I can remember being jealous of his second family because he spent more time with them than he had ever spent with me. He was in the Navy and was gone nearly half of every year as I was growing up. I feel a stirring of anger and sorrow that makes me nauseous and dizzy. There is a persistent whisper that I am mad at him, even furious and I cannot be. It hurts too much. Maybe the whisper is a lie and it is just the lost feeling that comes from having him gone so much and then my parents divorcing. I don’t know….