It seems so unreasonable for me to be so anxious, so scared, so upset... But... How can I not be when it's just recently been the one year mark fro when I was raped the first time?

I woke up the other night, to myself screaming at the top of my lungs... I woke Connor up who was sleeping beside me. He was panicking about why I was screaming, hugging me telling me it's ok I'm safe, nothing's gonna hurt me, he's there etc. I have no idea why I screamed, though...

Apart from... Just after I screamed, I saw a flash of light and there was Dean... Kneeling over me, pinning me down, that sick and twisted nasty smirk on his face... He told me that I'll never escape from him and that he will get me back for what I did. That I encouraged him, that I made him do it...

I Made Him Hurt Me??? How the hell does that make sense??? He was the one that slipped that bloody drug into my drink, the one that thought it'd be fun to test out the date rape drug... I was the first, but I most certainly wasn't the last.

Last night I went to have a shower, something to relax me before I went to bed... But it wasn't relaxing. I was terrified that he'd crash through the ceiling, bash the door down, I kept seeing his white jacket from that night, flashing past the shower door. My God, it was the least relaxing thing I could've done.

So... I was anxious for the rest of the night, kept seeing him, running around my room, next to my bed, behind me, in my mirror. GAAAHHHH!! It's driving me INSANE!

I hate being like this. I'm so scared he's going to come and get me... I have to sleep with both lights on now, instead of just one, music on, I have to be able to see all the way around my room and I just keep thinking he's going to smash open my window, or climb in when it is open and hide in my wardrobe, or that he'll follow me into my room, or get signed in by someone else at the YMCA, or.... Or... Anything. I just.. I swear he's after me and I'm so scared and I don't know what to do...