I don't know. Really I don't know...

The last time I was hospitalized was 13 years ago and it was not voluntary. I spent two weeks in the hospital. I really don't remember much of it. I know I did not like it. After which they had me in a day program. Did not last long.

Up until the hospitalization I had regularly seen mental health professionals.
from the age of 18 back as long as I can remember I had been seeing multiple councilors/therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists. I had them all.

Medication i've been prescribed (that I can remember);

Ritalin - ADD - adverse affect. Idk made me hyper and violent.
Prozac - AD - Only thing it did was make me talk.. nonstop, to the point of annoying myself. No AD effect.
Elavil - AD - No affect.
Paxil - AD - No affect. Harsh on stomach.
Haldol - AP - Ended up in ER after 2nd dose. Life threatening reaction. Involuntary muscle contraction thing almost stopped my heart. Sedated to the point where sedation was life threatening. Bad day for everyone involved.
Xanax - GAD - No affect.
Lexapro - AD - No affect.
Thioradizine - AP - No affect.
Ativan - GAD - 2mg helps anxiety. 5mg if im about to lose control.

These are medications I can remember. I've been on more.. Ativan is the only medication that has had any positive affect. Highly addictive. My physician had concerns about the addictive potential of long term use. My response was that id rather be an addict as opposed to dead or in jail. He agreed. I take Ativan only when needed to offset the addictive potential. Yes, I was addicted to it. Self detox. (another story) Ativan works so it will always be in my medicinal arsenal. Non-negotiable. I am open to trying alternative anxiety medications like Buspar as long as I have Ativan as a back up. I just don't want to lose the only medication that has ever helped me... seriously without it my anxiety triggers another part of me to take over and it responds violently to anything it feels as threatening. Like touching me. I hate to say it but depending on the context touching me can be life threatening. Like oh say.. mental health professionals trying to restrain me or an officer trying to take me into custody. The more you hurt me the less I care about being hurt... I've suffered serious injuries without knowing it at the time. Its not stupid. It thinks to a point. It will wait patiently for the right moment. Time is irrelevant. It doesn't care about life or laws. Yours or mine.

I cannot stress this enough. I split between a thinking human mind and the animal that is my body. I barely get along with myself. The only people that can touch me without fear are the people it chooses to accept.. I have as much say in this as a person has in choosing an allergy. None. If it thinks you even smell "off" I can't speak to you.. seriously I go mute. Unable to speak. Give me a pad of paper and a pencil and keep your distance (pencils are sharp). I have no words for some people. (try eating out and not being able to speak to your waiter/waitress.. fun!) It doesn't speak.. It doesn't understand words it goes by body language and that's hard to hide. If knowing this doesn't put some fear in you then you get what you deserve. Even when im in control its watching.. everyone and everything. Leave it alone and everything is just fine. No problems.

* Side rant.. if some jackass sticks his arm in a lions cage and gets it torn off no one shouts for the lion to be put down. You just don't go doing stuff like that. Its a wild animal. Its not bad.. you're just dumb for having stuck your arm in its cage. You don't mess with wild animals! So why is it that people wanna screw with me and then make a huge fuss about how I respond?! Seems simple to me. *

I think its safe to say I have drug resistant depression. That and the whole can't touch me thing. It sucks. I accept it. Really what more is there that can be done? I'm not thrilled to even think that something like ECT awaits me in the future. meh. I'm kinda open to it but leaning heavily towards the "screw that" side. The thought scares me.

I have a lot of problems.. they all culminate in that I don't function. At all. If it weren't for the kindness of others i'd probably have starved to death on the streets long ago. Horrible thought but im cool with it. It doesn't bother me much. I really can't function normally alone. I need someone to remind me to do almost everything normal people take for granted.. like eat, bathe or even use the bathroom. Seriously I just forget until im in so much physical pain that there's no way I can help but not notice. So yeah.. taking any medication on a schedule is impossible for me at this point without assistance. My sleep is erratic. I have no schedule.. can't keep a schedule.. ive tried. Can't do it.

Really this sucks cuz im highly intelligent. Tested and proven multiple times. Well above average but it doesn't mean a damn thing cuz nothing interests me. Nothing motivates me. I forget the everyday things. Like time.. im never on time for anything. I can casually look at something and bam.. an hours passed.. only to me it felt like seconds. I'll light a cigarette and then two seconds later I'll go to take a hit and im holding nothing more than a cigarette butt that had burnt out god only knows how long ago. I rarely remember what I did the day before. If I do its only in snippets. I have to think really hard to remember a lot of things in detail.

So yeah.. I can't function. Having a "normal" life is something I don't even dream of. Its not going to happen. I'm like a freaking invalid.. a "normal" looking person in appearance but an invalid none the less.

Yeah im crazy.. broken.. whatever. I'm not made for this world I guess but I'm around til someone or something "fixes" that.. lock me up.. lock me down. throw away the key and leave me be.