have you thought about seeing a counselor\therapist to help you sort out your feelings? a good place to start to try to find someone is your local comm. mental health organization. if they can't help, they can direct you to who can.
Also, can you trust your bf to help you stay safe?
Sorry you is hurting so bad..............try to love urself a little bit each day if you can.

sending you a hug iffen you want it,

mary of beads