MO, good morning...

Jme, but there is a big difference between addiction and being medically dependent on medication. There are also protocols that can be established to prevent the abuse of self-adjusting dosage.
It takes a willingness on your part, and finding a professional to work with you--and there are plenty who will do just that.

Your usage of the word split was interesting...
We can disassociate from situations that trigger a violent reaction in us. We can set aside our usual personality and become hyper-vigilant in order to "prepare" for what we feel is an oncoming but unnamed attack.

Jmo, but you are not a freaking invalid. Perhaps you are in limbo, a glimmer of wanting better things but not seeing any way to change your pain.
Being in limbo can be very soothing in a way. It allows others to care for us, it becomes easier to allow that, motivation slips away...jme, MO. I've visited Limbo several times.

Drug resistant depression has new treatments, agreed it can be a crap shoot as to what works on an individual basis.
However, unless you talk with a psychiatrist you won't know your options.

There are options for you, MO.
Don't give up based on things that happened long ago nor on any assumptions you may have right now.
It appears to me that you've kept up somewhat in possible actions you can pursue. Follow your instinct and give it a chance. You'll most likely be surprised and find hope/

Will things ever be a waltz through depression/anger/FI? No.
Resting between the waltzes, aka feeling rotten again, is a given, but it does not have to be a permanent sit-it-out.

Your choice to step out and try...your chance to have a measure of peace along with laughter and less fear.

Cap