OK, it's 2 days before the congregational celebration. As long as I stay in my adult frame of mind, I feel like "Sure, I can go there, keep my mind on the spiritual reasons for the event, and not worry about whether E. is there. No problem. I can handle it." That's how I feel right now. My h calls it my Superwoman stance. The problem is that if I get triggered by something, I can fall apart in an instant. It's as though the hurting little girl part of me surfaces and I do not have control over it. I can suddenly be filled with major emotional pain. If I cannot stave it off and end up breaking down and crying, it can be very, very difficult for me to regain control.

Since the friendship broke up, I've seen her from a distance 2 or 3 times, but have never come face to face with her. Each time, I handled it initially, but broke down when I got home, and felt very depressed for several days afterward. This will be the first time I am in close quarters with her. There will be 250 to 300 people at the event in one big room.

Because of how angry and forcefully she ended our friendship, I really doubt she will even approach me. However, there is always a chance. I'm afraid that if she approaches me, or I approach her to say hello, I might lose my composure and start crying. I would really, really hate to do this in front of all those people. Though most people would be busy conversing with one another, likely a few people would see me crying. Also, I don't want to give my former friend an ego boost by seeing how much the loss of her friendship has affected me. I've decided that I just can't risk approaching her, and if she approaches me, I'll say Hello and then find a way to gracefully exit. The thing is, I'm afraid that I might get triggered and cry just from seeing her and being in the same room with her. Like I said, I feel like I can handle it now. But once I get there, I may feel much different.

This same event is being held all over the world on this same date in my religion. So I could easily attend it at a different local congregation. My husband thinks I should attend elsewhere because he does not feel that I will be able to handle it. In fact, he's a little angry that I have been planning to attend where I know I will see my former friend. Though my t has not said so directly, I believe she would like me to use my coping skills and inner resources to overcome my fear and attend the event with my own congregation, even though it means seeing my former friend. I don't know what to do.

In some ways, I'd like to be strong enough to go and not get triggered and not let her presence hurt me. Right now, in my adult frame of mind, I feel that I can do it. But I know from experience that if the child part of me gets triggered, I could suddenly spiral down.

I'm getting nervous and just don't know what to do.