Heh. She and my cousin, the older one out of two, were actually the two "bigger" less attractive girls... Looking back, I see pictures of me with my beautiful long, shining, sleek dark brown hair, and my cute, wide smile; I look at how slim I was - the fact that my shoulder blades protruded through even the heaviest of jumpers - and most of all my personality as a kid. Watching a video of me the other day, I watched it over and over again in tears, thinking... 'How could they have called ME chubs? Fat? Ugly?' I was none of those! My twin... She was fake, still is... She wears so much slap you can see her face is orange. She's ruined her hair by dying it blonde, to make her blue eyes stand out and make her look like a "hot blonde chick" as she thinks most guys are attracted to that, straightening it every day and putting crap loads of products in it. Fake tan, too. Gee, she's plastic!! I don't mean to sound nasty about her, but it's so true... I hate to see my sister have to cover up like that. Ugh. It's horrible.

I don't put on loads of slap... I wear makeup from time to time when I'm going out, I guess that's just because of the rapes... I don't want guys to find me attractive because I'm scared of it happening again. I don't know...

I don't want to eat. I want to starve more than anything, just so I can be thin. I've lost between4-8lbs already, I can lose 5 times that. At least. Sigh. Why can't I just be happy with who I am? Dammit!

I wish I could change the past and I know that I can't but I know that i can try to make my future better and I'm trying, really I am.