He doesn't live here anymore... He lives a few miles away, but he still knows where I live and I still think he's after me.
I saw my CMHT and they couldn't help at all. They did nothing but make me feel worse if anything. I went to PRS a few weeks ago, think it was a day after I'd s/h'd or something and their services cost too much.. If I lived closer it wouldn't be so bad, but I don't so it's pretty much an impossible situation.

I got a call from Anita from SWEDA a few hours ago and my first appointment with my SWEDA counsellor is on 22nd April. A while away, but I'm still terrified... By then I'll have lost another 8lbs or so... Over a stone... I've met the counsellor before, her name's Sian. I wasn't so keen on her at first, but once I met her the 2nd time, i got used to her. I think she's going to be surprised... At everything that's happened and such since we last met...

Heh. Dean... He attacked me as much as he possibly could. If he'd have had time to get a knife he would have... he just used his nails instead and teeth and fists. Gahhh it's horrible. I can't stand the flashbacks.. They're ruining my holidays!

I'm not safe though.. I never will be safe... Not unless I move away to somewhere that he won't know where I am, but I bet he'll find out somehow. My bf? Yes, i can trust him to keep me safe but I don't want to have to put that on him... It's not fair... He struggles with the fact that some guy had sex with me without my permissiona nd whilst I was going out with Connor... There was a time when Connor asked me if it actualyl was rape, whether I did actually want it...

Would I have been in such a state on the night if I HAD wanted it? Would I have had a fit because of anxiety and so much alcohol in my system, along with the drug, if I had wanted it. Gaaaahhhhh!! I feel guilty enough for it as it is... I know it freaks Connor out when I get flashbacks and I've never had them so bad until this year.. Connor cried he was so scared... That's how much he worries about me... I just kept pushing him off, though... Everytime he came close to me, hugged me, touched me, anything... I just told him to get off me...

I was shaking like crazy and sweating and I'm just so scared by it and I don't know what to do