POSSIBLY TRIGGERING

Today was the first day I didn't feel stomach pain from not eating. In one sense I was thankful that my stomach didn't hurt today, on the other hand it's a little scary and I am losing the comfort of the pain. I haven't eaten more than some bread and chocolate the last few days. Today I had my first real meal in a while. I was making eggs and cheese for my husband today (he wanted it for lunch *go figure*) and I made a burrito for myself out of it. I felt full and disgusted with myself. It just felt like it shouldn't be in there. It felt like a normal satisfied stomach but it still felt wrong to me. I wonder if my dislike for myself is partially behind this ('I don't deserve to be full') but I'm not sure. On Thursday there is a BBQ for my my husband's co-workers and families. I went to the last one. It was really fun. I'm nervous this time though. It's basically common knowledge that I eat as much if not more than everyone there. I'm scared people will notice me eating half a plate, compared to my normal 4 plates. Or what if I just switch to bulimia. I began being anorexic in middle school til a friend threatened to tell my parents. Then I switched to bulimia, much easier to hide especially at school. I did a lot of damage to my body due to bulimia and I guess I feel like there are less consequences to just not eating. I don't know. I feel scared and confused. My husband hasn't noticed much since we don't eat together often and because of his work schedule we sometimes end up eating at different times (i.e. it's not that strange for me to have eaten before I feed him). I know, this is pretty much just rambling now, but yeah, I'm pretty sure I covered everything.