I just wanted to write a quick note to thank many of you that have taken the time to respond to my posts. I know I haven't always been the easiest person to communicate with as I know I have been "stuck". I take absolutely no offense to any of your posts that were trying to give me a swift kick in the butt and encouraging me to move on.

I am just not sure what course I am going to take. All I know is that the more time goes on the more that I want to thrive again.

I just spent the weekend with my kids, the second one in a row since my ex was off on a business trip with her significant other. Its real interesting when I have a little more time with my kids than the every other weekend visitation. We seem to cut through the surface things and they open up a lot more, especially my daughter. I recognize and understand the very critical and important role that I play in her life. I provide her with stability, with a steady and calm influence that her mother does not provide. Her mother is simply just too insecure, too emotional and too manipulative and my daughter sees that.

I realize now that I have to try and place my focus on my daughter and son and not on my own needs and wants. I know that I was the victim of a series of life events that affected my life forever. I also know that these events catapulted me into an abyss of self destruction and wallowing in self pity. And, of course the depression.

I know that I spent a lot of time on this board whining about a lost relationship. On the one hand as time goes on I realize what a gem I had in this woman and I realize the depth of the love I have for her, despite my actions to the contrary.

But, I know that my primary role is to be the best father I can be to my kids. My challenge is how to do that when I am so lonely and miserable when I am not with them. But, I will have to try and suck it up and get through each day for them.

I am just so very frightened. Because I know now that my self-pity resulted in me letting so many things go as I walked down this path of self destruction. I know that subconsciously I wanted things to get so bad that I had no other choice but to take the easy way out. And, now that I have been so successful in making things that bad for myself I don't want to take the easy way out. I really don't.

I wish I could turn the clock back so that I would not have taken this path. I wish that I could turn the clock back so I could be flourishing in my relationship with her. But I can't. And that is what is the most scarey to me. Why did I have to be so dman good at creating this situation for myself. The time has come and I don't want the result that I have been planning for.