I felt that way for a long time after I started getting better. I didn't want to let go of the feeling out of control. It made me feel alive. To feel normal was too weird to me, it was scary because it felt like I was not really here. But when I got freaky I became ultra aware of myself and that felt good even though I was miserable. I found that admitting my desire to feel that craziness was the only way that I could move past it. I discussed it at length with my T. He told me that it is totally normal considering that was how my life was for so long. I just had to learn to be comfortable with what felt uncomfortable at the time. (much easier said then done, lol.)

As time goes by that changes though. I spend most of my time in a fairly good space now so when I get freaky it is down right scary to me. It gives me the shivers to think that was how I spent most of my life, just plain freaky, on the edge of destruction 24/7.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson