Maybe so... I do worry about her. So much. She's so *******ed stupid with men... She lost her virginity to a one night stand. Did my adoptive parents b*llock her as much as they did me? NO!! Not in the slightest!! She was the same age as me when she lost her virginity... I am still with the guy I lost it to.. How the hell does that make sense??!! It just DOESN'T!!!!

I know Connor likes it when I wear makeup, he knows it makes me feel better, more confident when I'm wearing makeup... In a way, I want to attract attention, good attention... I want to be told how beautful I am, I want to be reminded by people that I look beautiful today... I never get that... Heh. I get the odd beeps from lorry drivers, when I make a lot of effort. But most of the time that's for their entertainment...

I'm going to get my hair cut soon. I hope. I don't like my hair how it is at the moment. It's got too long and such. It's still the beautifully sleek and shiny hair I've always had and loved, but it just looks heavy on my head.

I saw Bryony last night. Guess what she had on??!!!

LOADS of slap, a tiny skirt, and a low cut top. She looked amazing, but she looked awful at the same time! Not one part of her was natural. She smokes, she drinks, she sleeps around. It's a horrible sight to see. Snd she's the older one... Yet... I worry about her?? The first thing she said to me was "what's that on your face?" ARRRRGGGHHH!!! I just wanted to scream ***** OFFFFF! at her, It made me so angry! Then the friend sitting next to her said; "It's just a shadow, Bry"

I felt myself trying to act like someone else around her. I suddenly hated what I was wearing, knowing she'd be looking ay me, thinking 'what a tramp, ugly, fat frump' or whatever. I CAN be beautiful and I know I can... At my prom, she cried because I looked so beautiful... Shana (Adoptive Mum) bought me a drag queen dress, just above the knees, velvet with glitter on.. YUCK!! She really thought I'd wear THAT??? No way! So, I saved long and hard and went to monsoon with Connor and his Mum. We picked out a a load of gorgeous dresses and the last one was slightly damaged. Connor's Mum fixed it for me anyway and you couldn't see it had been damaged at all. Connor went and picked flowers, purple ones. I put mine in my hair and he had his in his pocket. I bought some gorgeous silver strappy shoes and wore my favourite necklace.

Bryony saw me. She was wearing; a short, black dress, with silk draped over her arms, 6in leopard skin heels and a leopard skin clutch bag. Ick. It looked tacky, but suited her! She looked at me and cried her eyes out. She couldn't believe how beautiful I looked. The fact that I looked better than HER for once. She hated it and cried. She apologised. She'd been the one that had picked out the first horrible drag queen dress for me. She wanted me to look worse. Shana had urged her to find a horribble one. They spent about £20 on it. £50 odd on Bryony. But my new, beautiful flowing turquoise-green dress cost me £70 and I wouldn't have paid a penny less for it. I still have it now. I'm so glad that we went dress shopping, Connor, his Mum and I. Because everyone commented on how beautiful I looked and that... Well.. That was the best, most beautiful day of my life!

So yeah.. I can be beautiful... But that was before the rape... I had less scars then too. I guess... I was hoping that my scars would ward off men. but instead, the last guy that raped me... He just said "what's this? You're beautiful... Why are you doing that to yourself?" Thanks for the compliment, but no thanks for the horror you caused me!

I know I'm angry at my sister. She's constantly putting me down and I hate her for that. But at the same time, I love her so much that I can't just "break all contact with her" like everyone keeps telling me to do... I hate her. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her... For being so mean and heartless... But I love her... And that's just because she's my twin sister... I can't find any other reason why I love her, because she's never said I kind word about me apart from that day when I looked more beautiful than her and she only said that because others were around and she wanted to seem nice. Why do I love her so much and keep going back to her? I DON'T KNOW!!! and I HATE not knowing!

It's not fair. It's not fair that I've always kept myself well covered up, never shown much of my body off, despite "having a lovely, beautiful body" (according to Connor and a few others), yet I still get raped. It's not fair that she shows off as much of her body as possible and makes loads of effort when she goes out, even just when she's working, or at home all day... Yet she NEVER in her LIFE has been raped or abused. What is it about me that people just want to abuse me? I don't understand *sob* I hate myself for having something about me that makes people want to abuse me...

I hate myself.