((((((((((((((manda)))))))))))))) Not screwed. It sounds like you are in the first stages of awareness. It just takes time, but now that you are aware that you are struggling, it might be that you start noticing things more. Even if it's just the tone people talk with, etc. It might start to click in your brain.

When I first became aware of some things, I started to notice things but not why they were bothering me. Then slowly, I started noticing that it was out there somewhere in my brain, but unreachable. For instance, originally it seemed like it was a person that seemed to make my brain react and I didn't know why. After that I would notice that it was certain times that that person bothered me. After a while, it clicked that it was a certain word, or a gesture or color, etc. Then I was able to separate that thing from that person.

It doesn't always happen for me, but when it does, it makes things a little more clear. Sometimes I find out why and sometimes I don't, but I've found that just becoming aware has helped a lot.

Hope that made sense. It all just takes time. Please be gentle with yourself during this time. It's a scary process sometimes, but the end result is a step toward peace, imo.