Zen, Sky and Missi,

Thank you for your messages. I seem to cycle through good and bad times. When you don't see me posting messages, it's because I seem to have a certain amount of control over my situation. I'm safe.

But when I start posting, it's because my mind is messing with me. I become unsafe to myself, and I reach out through these messages just for some contact with people......until I can get myself stabalized.

I knew this upcoming anniversary of my suicide attempt might make my sanity wobble, but I wasn't expecting to have these other stressors happening in my life during this anniversary. Ugh.

I cancelled my doctor's appointment the other day. No surprise with that! That seems to be my modus operandi! Lol. I already feel like a walking pharmacy, and I just did not want to go to my doctor asking for yet another prescription. I know she would have understood the need for a long-acting benzo right now....but I just didn't want to go groveling for drugs. Sigh.

Anyways, I increased the dosage of one of my ADs.....and that seems to have helped balance me out for the time being. I feel safe with myself again. I feel like I am in control of my mind.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for responding to me. It means so much when someone reaches back to me......especially when I don't post all that much here.

It's been one heck of a year. So many cops, so many trips to the hospital, and one nasty night that I still only remember parts of.

June 14th is my anniversary.......both of my attempt to go to Heaven.....and also the point where I began to live again. There haven't been any more cops for a year, there haven't been any more trips to the hospital for a year. It's been a struggle, but I'm stable now more than otherwise.

I feel strong right now about the upcoming anniversary. But if my mind starts going wacky on me, I'll reach out to you guys again. It really does help. And if I find myself really on the edge, I'll be sure to call 911. I still email one of the officers from a year ago. Maybe I could have him drop by on the night of the anniversary if he's on duty.

I wish you guys all the best!!!!

God bless,

Sandy