My T and I were actually talking about suicidal thoughts last night. I brought it up when she was asking how I feel about her being there for me ect. I sort of zoned out so I don't remember all she said. I think I said something about knowing she cared but needing to convince myself of that, she had asked me about that, what that felt like.

I couldn't really talk a whole lot but I think I said something like not feeling worthy. Then I said sometimes I don't want to be here, not meaning here in the room with you, but here. She said something to the effect of , you mean not wanting to live. I said yes and I know thats so stupid. She said it's not stupid at all, it's an indication of how painful these things are for you.

That was huge of me as I still have a hard time talking about feelings at all, or feeling that for that matter. I am better at smothering them. Sometimes she talks about anger and I say I don't have any, that I know of anyways. She said, I know I never see that from you. She said sometimes when you talk about conflicting feelings, I feel that it's in there somewhere.

Anyways, she let me see that its ok to have those feelings, they represent the depth of pain. If she had seen that I was not stable at that point or was actually planning something, I'm sure she would have pursued things further for my safety.

I think you need to find a T that deals specifically with Borderline personality, you may find that much more helpful to you. Finding a T who knows the range of emotions and how to work with them is huge, and more than that, someone you can trust. I am sorry you have had such a hard time with medical professionals. I wish you luck with your search.