Hello

I dont really know where to put this one. I dont really know what I'm going to talk about. Just about everything the last days and time.

If you wonder I'm a young girl, 18 years, and now as you know this some will probably say that its just teenage stuff.

Me and my ex got back to each other. I had a hard time believing it after these years, a hard time to feel what I wanted to. I was just about to get over him, and he came back. I didnt want to tell anyone about us getting together because I didnt believe it could last for a long time. But now it has and I feel really good about it. At least I want it to work out for us now.

We both have different types of problems, so it may make it a lot more difficult. Sometimes we fight a lot about those things other people dont care about.

Now recently he told me that I tend to give him the feeling he's done something wrong all the time. I don't do it on purpose, I didnt know I was doing it. I try my best to be a smilyface and to pull my problems away when we're togheter so he wont be bothered.

So, at school I've done better the last months. Maybe cause I dont care anymore about what's going wrong around me so they don't have anything to give me marks and worse grades for my behaviour. But they still do. When they want to even though I dont do anything wrong.

I think I have a problem with autorithies, people telling me what to do. I often know I'm wrong and they're right, and I do the opposite of what they say. I don't know why, I just have to. I've also thrown things at them. I really try not to. But even if I dont feel I do anything wrong I always get marks and notes and worse grades for whatever they want to give it to me for. Its really hard cause nothing changes no matter how hard I try. I'm born with a talent at school, I dont really have to practise for test and so on, it's all stuck in my head, but I cant focus on it. I actually get good grades in some subjects without doing anything. How? When I am the example it self of schools worst behaviour, how?

My mother (I've written a post about it in.. Abuse, or something a long time ago), still is what she's always been like. And since she has always just pointed at the bad things in me and telling me what I do wrong, to make me feel bad, and so on, no matter how many times people tell me they're not critisising me, I take it just the same as when my mother says it to me. Spescially with my boyfriend and autorithies. I understand I cant live together with him for the rest of my life without him being alowed to say what he means and so on, but I just cant take it.

I feel so sorry for him being with me.

So for a long time now, I've been feeling really bad.. And there's this one part of me who wants to hurt my self, cry, just let it all out, and the other part who dont want to go back to it. The past.

So the stronger part has been holding me up for a long time. But I dont know for how long anymore.

I've also gained weight. Fast. Even though I was skinny and people say I still am I can see it on my face and even clothes I bought a week ago is too small for me. I know people are just kidding when they say I'm skinny now, cause if I was at least my clothes would fit me. I'm eating for two persons, but now I stopped. STOPPED.

And I cant sleep when I'm alone. If I sleep I'm sleeping half awake cause I dont feel safe.

I'm drinking a lot more, and I started smoking again because of this everything.

I havent got my meds for my migraine for a couple of weeks because my mom wont go get it for me, as I'm not allowed to pick it up my self from the pharmasy. Why, I dont know. But this has caused me that my cronic migraine has come back at its worst, and I cant do anything about it.

I have no one to talk to because all my best friends and my boyfriend has problems on their own and I dont want to talk about my problems and pull it on to them. I'll be here to help them no matter what, but sometimes I also needs someone to talk to.. But I dont want to be selfish.

I dont cry or anything when I write this. I'm more like in off mode but still here. Turned my self of so I wont have to think. So I wont have to fight with my self between the strong and the weak part.

I've been trying to get help before but it all ended in that the child care service thing blamed everything on me because I told them something else when my parents was in the room because I didnt want to tell the truth when they were there because my parents told me I would ruin there life if I did.

Cronic Migraine
Insomnia
Got meds for depression once
And they tried figure out if I'd ADHD but my parents stopped and canceled it cause they said I was only like this as all other teenagers and kids. At that point I really didnt care about it, but I think I do now.

I just want someone to talk to me.

So this probably look like no problem for you guys. Probably just a normal thing for everyone.

I dont know more to write. I dont know if anything of this makes sence. I wish there was a delete button, so I could delete it when I was all myself again. Cause I know this is a silly post like all my other posts, woho.

Still here,
Maximohs.