Angel,
You are normal for a person fighting to be clean and/or sober.
Blow from anger? At yourself? Someone or something else?
All of it?

Jme, but I had to separate these things because I was overwhelmed...and afraid of my anger.
It became necessary for me to take things ten minutes at a time, talk with my sponsor, weep from frustration, and tell the world to FO.
I absolutely hated that four-letter word--TIME-- because I wanted all the crap to stop Now...not tomorrow, not next week, but Now.
My sponsor was rather direct in telling me, TS. (tough s**t)
It was part of the process whether I liked it or not, and I did not like it at all.

You can do this, Angel.
Keep posting.
If you can't love yourself right now, accept our love until you can...

Guilt and shame are a waste of energy--they will suck you dry.

Here if you need anything

Peace,
Cap