It's the fact that everyone hurts me when I just "be". It feels like they don't want me to be here at all, so it feels wrong to be here, does that make sense? Probably not. I'm not making much sense at all today.

I don't WANT to change anyone in my life. I know how it feels to have people trying to change you.. I wouldn't do that. I accept people the way they are, because I like to know people the way they are, not as someone they're not. A fake.

How do I show people that I don't accept anything but complete respect from others? have so many life skills to lean.. I mean.. I have the life skills that most 17 year olds wouldn't need, because of being kicked out and such.. but I just dont' know how to show people to repect me... I've got angry with people and told them straight that if they don't respect me, I won't respect them, therefore won't do any favours for them,. Is that good enough? Or do I need to do more?

I hate asking for answers to what people might see as such obvious and easy to answer questions... I feel like a 10 year old.. Maybe because part of my personality is stuck at being a 10 year old especially in situations liek being respected and people shouting and such, because that takes me back to being a 10 year old because that's what happened when I was a 10 year old. I just was NOT respected or accepted at all...

I wish I knew how to do such simple things as teach people how to treat me.. I mean... They all try and take advantage of me... For instance Rich. If I go to his room, or if he sees me in a corridor he asks if I'm alright, I say yeah, I ask him the same and he just starts going on about all this crap and I'm just like.... WTF??? It's more of a greeting, when someone passes you by you can either say hello, or alright.. Or whatever.. And you just say it back, then if they ask how you are you say then how you are or whatever. He just never gives me a break... I can jut imagine if he had a counsellor and saw them in town and they said hi, he'd stop and start rambling about his problems. It does my head in.

I'm cutting off all contact with these people, or trying to and he just won't let me I just wish they'd all go away and let ME sort out MY life... After all I deserve it, don't I? He's getting counselling for the grieving over his Gran's death, he just comes to me about how upset he is over Charlene not wanting to be with him. He KNOWS she'll neverf want to be with him, yet he keeps trying though everyone's said to back off. It's insane! Sigh.

Tom got p**sy with me because I told him I can't talk to him anymore because I need to sort myself out and he's not helping atm by being so clingy with me and because of what happened between us causing mine and Connor's relationship to be screwed up. It's not fair. So... We've broken off contact now, because if he truly cared, he'd understand and wouldn't get so angry with me for it.

I just went on wii fit and my BMI.. Pfft. It really got to me, let's just say that. I worked out for 40 minutes. In lots of pain now, but oh well. I still haven't eaten... I plan to put it off as much as I can

I hate being so obsessed with my weight... But it's how I've been brought up.. To have to be perfect and perfect in everyone elses eyes seems to be skinny, good personality, kind, caring, loving, does everything for everyone, clear complexion, hair cut at least every 6 weeks, lovely legs, flat stomach.

I want to be all of those.. I know I've got the personality... Just not the body parts.. I have nice hair, but it needs a cut. Sigh.

I hate my abusers, all of them. I wish I could hurt them as much as they hurt me. I hate them so much *sob* they've ruined my life!