I am going to fu*king go off. I am sitting here screaming and there's no one here. I just want to scream over and over and over. And it's almost fuc*ing funny how fuc*ed up the whole thing is. It's funny how shi*ty it all is. I am screaming over and over and cursing at the top of my lungs. My throat hurts from all the screaming. And I almost want to laugh at how funny it is that everything anyone ever told me is a lie- love is a lie, love dies, love is fickle, fickle wh*re, everyone stops caring for you, desire is fleeting, everything is fleeting, everything is fickle, 26 is old, there is no such thing as a good person, there is no forgiveness for humanity, not for any dam* one of us because we are evil and I am a bad person. We are only temporarily important to people. People are ultimately selfish. We can't save anyone or anything. People are apathetic. People will forget me when I die. I am not good enough and I never will be. Everything boils down to reproduction. That's the point. That's the whole point. *laughing and crying* Monogamy is unatural and so is polygamy, because people are the only animals that aren't quite either one. *laughs* And I can't be anything I want to be. I can't be what I've always wanted to be. Because I am not good enough- and because I self sabotage and don't try and etc. And we slowly lose our brain cells, our memories, our beauty, our health, our strength, and our intelligence, and energy until we die. And then I don't even know what happens. I am so unhappy. I am so unhappy. I don't know what's wrong, I don't know what's wrong/ *more laughing and crying* I thought about drugs because they can help you accept things and be happier and feel things you never would otherwise. But then they also destroy your memories and your brain cells and body and it's all a trade off. You can't win for losing. And I am alone. ***** my friends. I called one of them, and she just didn't really even respond and I was crying on the phone. And I know she has it worse, but I'm depressed right now and I needed a friend. But everyone gets tired of listening to me whine, when they have worse problems. And it's not safe to let people know you have feelings because people don't want to deal with your ***** feelings. You're not allowed to have feelings and feelings aren't safe, anyway. Nothing is safe. Nothing is safe. And I have things I am depressed about that I can't even talk to people about and if I did they wouldn't understand so it wouldn't help. And it's the weekend and I was not feeling the best and I just wanted to go our for awhile. Wanted to buiy this pretty dress I saw that;s on sale....cause I'll be gone in the opposite direction for the next couple days and the sale may be over when I get back. And I wanted it because I don't feel very pretty and I think it helps when you wear pretty clothes that fit good and acentuate your positive features, bring out colors in your hair or eyes or compliment your skin or something. And I thought it was cute and might be nice cause I've been feelin insecure and not as good as other people and I just weanted to feel better, like I looked better, okay? So ijust wanted to cashj my chek and go get the dress. And I wanted to reeturn this girl's pants and shoes before she thinks I'm just goinna steal erm and keep em and I've already ruined chancwes at being her friend I'm sure, but maybe it's better that way becayuse she's better than me and I don't need someone to remind me of how **** I am. It's better not to get close to her just to have her around for another person for other people to compare and contrast me to because I don't measure up. But I kind of liked her. And I wanted to go out with my friends. Cause I felt bad all week and I couldn't go cause I hadf to have a fight with my mommy because I'ma 26 year old loser. And she had to point ouit to my aunt she wasn'ty lucky enough to marry me offf- thinks a man would take care of me. Well, she's righjt- I wasn't lucky enough to ahve someone that would love me and stay but that's okay cause love is Fuc*inh bullsh*t. But I don't want it to be. I don't want it to be. And she doesn't understand that I am still dealing with that reality, that disillusionment that it's all a lie and I will forever be alone or anticipating being hurt by who I'm with and that I am losing my ability to get close to people. Anyway, I called her when she left because I was miserable and didn't know what to do, and I guess I wanted to make her feel bad if I had to sit here feeling bad cause of a fight we had, but that was wrong of me. Anyway, then I got off the phone, wanted to SI. And then I am reminded I am such a loser. Ugly, talentless. giorl with no creativity, just boring mediocre, uigly, unspecial, unloveable girl who uis getting old and has not done anything and never will. And no house, no independance, messed up collegem, working fast food throwing away food while people are starving, sell out, never be married, never have kids, never make a difference stupid girl. And today someone told me I walked l;ike I was crippled ion one leg. I didn't notice my tendancy to favor one leg (ligament issues and possible scoliosis a little bit but not severe thankfully) was noticeable when I walked, but it is. In know I typoed this all to heck. I don't care. Anyway, the rest of the weekend I'll be at my sister's meaning I just lost my one day I could have went running around during.