Have you ever had one of those weeks were... reality sets in and you realize you aren't much different after all.

This week I found myself yet again facing someone expressing very deep and strong emotional attachment towards me and the only thing I could find to say was "I'm sorry". It seems like I've found myself facing someone who I've inadvertentely hurt and been unable to answer their questions too many times to even count.

I thought with over a year an a half of therapy under by belt, I would be able to connect to.... something... some emotion... if not love then anger... something! Guilt seems to be the only think I can feel.

I've noticed also that the connected feelings I started to feel in therapy are also gone. If my T called tomorrow and said, "hey I'm cutting back my patient load and.. I can't see you any longer." I think I would miss the chats... but would soon move on to filling that hour with some other activity--whatever. I haven't even wanted to talk or email my T this week.

A good friend was going to visit this weekend, but had to cancel. I heard myself on the phone saying, "Ah, that's ashame, we'll have to get together another time." But inside, I realized I had already filled the time block with something else before she even finished explaining why she couldn't visit--whatever!

Last week I was thinking about my parents and maybe trying to do something special to acknowledge them this week. That motivation has been lost--whatever. I'm not feeling bad about my childhood drama, my parent's passing, the life I could have had if only I had...bah..bah.. bah. Now that I've talked about the abuse... I'm kind of like WHATEVER.

I know it might sound like I am depressed, but I really don't feel depressed. Dispite the turmoil earlier this week, I've been very productive and handled the situation OK. I'm just feeling like...whatever.

I guess I am just feeling like the strides I thought I was making in deeply connecting to people just vanished this week. I'm just as much of a disconnected person as I've always been.