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Jewels · Apr 11, 2009, 12:50 AM

The Jewels are here!!! Not any better, but a little more fractured due to recent things happening. But is good to come here and admit that, cuz we don't do well admitting it to anyone else, because it would land us in the hosptl, somewhere that we don't want to go again. And I am trying hard to be out and responsible and in charge, though I don't know what that looks like or feels like. I am very triggerable (is that a word?) and seem to have a penchant for running inside the minute I get triggered. But I am not doing anyone any favors doing that, because abbi and I have lost the co-consciousness that we were having last year...at least I cannot hear or know she is around, even though I think she is there. We have lost ground since my last T left, and now we don't trust anyone enough to start talking about things again. But, we have to start looking. Our case manager says so, and I do think she is right. Because she can't be there for us like a T can be, because her time is taken up by so many others in her caseload. And she is team leader for the office too, which takes her everywhere going to meetings, meeting with other clients, and with me...just too much to insist that she help us. So she is going to start looking for someone to help me. She isn't sure who, but she will help me find someone in the community. So then I will have two people, plus my pdoc to help me. I think that is a good start. But I still feel really angry with myself for putting abbi and the others through such horrific times. I should have been there myself, should have stood up for myself, should have tried to protect myself at least. But I didn't do anything but hide away and put other in harms' way. How could I be that cruel?????

Yahna, the main Jewel