my story could write a novel, but i'll spare you all those details and get to the point. i basically have a good life, i really do. i've gone through everything but i've always been able to bounce back. except, i suppose in the last two years or so.. things have started to change, they started to change so slightly that i didn't even notice it was happening in the beginning. it started off as days where i felt bummed out for absolutely no reason, i brushed it aside and blamed it on anything and everything but what it really was. then it started getting a little worse, i started isolating myself a little bit.. i just couldn't bring myself to go out and do things and have to pretend to be "okay" when i knew i was far from it. i had so much negativity weighing me down i couldn't get out of bed somedays. and then suddenly, it all went away. i felt amazing for the longest time, nothing brought me down. and then just as quickly as that feeling came it went away, only this time.. the sadness was a little worse than the first time. people started to notice but i brushed it aside and pretended it was nothing and blamed it on stress. i couldn't bring myself to tell people what i was feeling because i didn't know myself. i couldn't understand why i felt so sad all the time no matter how hard i tried to pull myself out of it, i couldn't. i cried a lot that summer. i didn't tell a soul.
a year later and i still haven't. this is the first time i've ever expressed what i've been feeling to anyone but myself.
but i'm tired, i'm so tired of feeling this way. i feel so sad, i go out and do things that should make me happy and sometimes they do, but its shortlived and within a couple hours i'm back in this hole, where the despair, and the loneliness, and the sadness are so heavy i feel as if breathing is difficult at times.
i feel so lonely no matter how many people i surround myself with. i feel so isolated from the world, and in a way i am. i've lost a lot of friends because of my more often than not erratic behavior.
when i look ahead to my future i honestly don't see anything good, i see this life i'm living now.. me going through the motions but getting nothing out of it, and it makes me sad.. i want to be able to live again. but i can't.
i've let myself get so deep into this mess that i don't see a way out.
don't get me wrong, at times i feel so good i can't believe it myself, but lately those times are farther and farther apart.. and i'm starting to be unable to hide it.
i'm just so sad, all the time. i live a joyless monotone life. it hurts, it does.
but what do you do?