T touched me yesterday, despite the fact that I said “no” when she asked if it’s ok if she touches me. It kind of happened all at the same time, I said “no” with a speed of light, but her hand already was on my knee. She took it away very fast too, but… yucky yucky yucky feeling, every time I close my eyes the moment comes back and the yucky feeling and everything… All the people around me, all I do is look where their hands are and try to make sure they can’t reach me even by accident, I don’t even hear what a person says if he/she is close… it’s day 2 after it happened and I can’t get over it. It’s a surprise I didn’t jump up and hit her then… I just turned my back to her and left as soon as I could. Few weeks ago I had a dream about T, it was about her hurting me, and I woke up with some terrible feelings. I thought, blah, this could never happen, and now it’s the exact same feeling… I was warned but I didn’t listen, right? This just makes things worse. I wrote her an email, really childish one, said I’m sorry I couldn’t talk and be normal during the appt and promised I’ll be good and polite and normal and won’t talk nonsense, just please don’t touch me. It felt like a punishment… I wish I hadn’t done that. Her response basically proves that she is going to use things she knows about me to hurt me in the future too. My brain knows it’s not true, it’s not what she meant, but I’m so disconnected from my brain now, I just don’t care about the logic and the reasonable explanations, I just scream and panic somewhere deep inside and that’s it.

No hugs, please, I can't handle it...