Easter - husbands family is getting together for a dinner ..
each of these ppl trigger me and our defense rages out ..or the opposite .. the children get scared and hide /isolate ..
I was over at him moms with him yesterday ..cleaning..and having to hear family secret stories that i could hardly bear listening to ..so cleaned harder to get away from her .. then we had dinner and came home ..
some very ugly things came out ..even about my own sister that they are not related to (obviously) and i could feel the rage inside but said nothing back..went silent.
today she called and told me his strp mom wanted to know did she invite my sister and she said NO!!! in anger toward my sister .. then she called me and began yelling at me how she wanted to slap her down if she ever saw her again ..etc.. again the rage is there but not out.
now - after all the shopping and cards - gifts .. there is no way i want to go .. there is more to this story with every person that will be there but that is the jest of what is going on inside at this moment.
i told my husband i am not going .. i can not afford for the rage to break out or i end up in the basement hiding away from these ppl who hate me and my family..
though it will look bad if i dont go .. just think i better take care of my insiders and stay home in our peace..is that wrong?
my husband says it is wrong .. but i have to take care of us.
just feel caught between everyone there and to me would be like jumping in a fire . my choice is no no no no ...i hear everyone inside saying no ..
just dont think i need to ignore those voices.
i did want to go before all this came up out of her mouth .. bought things to make it nice .. oh well will let myhusband take it over there .
guess this makes me the bad one .. but i cannot take anyone talk bad about my blood family!! my defense is strong . even though my own blood does not care for me ..never has .. cant take when others talk bad about them or anyone else i love so much and maybe too much..