i am crying right now as i'm typing this....but I don't think I have ever felt this bad before. I have been thinking alot the past couple days since i'm going home for summer soon, that i have changed so much since before i left for college. when i go home its gonna remind me im not who i used to be....and i miss that person.

i do nothing with my life anymore. all i can think about is smoking. i have no motivation i have sat in my room all weekend...literally. I dont want to do anything....it is getting to be so hard. im so bored with life.

sometimes i feel that being in school right now is not a good idea, and that i need to be home with my family. i need that support right now but i have been trying to keep this dark secret. even with my therapist. i had planned to tell her everything last session but i chickened out. i just finished writing a letter to her but im nervous to give it to her while im in session and have her read it while i sit there. but i dont wanna call and ask for her email. but i really need to get everything that is bothering me out in the open with her now. this is my only way to get better.

i just am so stuck and lost right now. this mental illness is taking over my mind. its all i can think about cant focus on anything else. i hate it. i just dont know what to do with myself. too many thoughts and i cant even process them. im just rambling but needed to type this out. just wish i could fix everything in the blink of an eye.

has anyone ever called their T and asked for their email? should i do that so i can send the letter before my next appt.?