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Apr 13, 2009, 05:05 AM
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: So Cal
Posts: 3,342
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First...I REALLY hope everyone had a good holiday weekend!! 
I just needed a place to get this off my shoulders. It will most likely be long, ranting, and whiney. But, as I am sure they do for others...holidays just seem to trigger me, and now...I just feel so sad and alone. Miserable.
There may be some stuff in here that might trigger some. I will be gentle, as this is not my desire to cause anyone discomfort. Please read with caution. 
I had a decent beginning of my day. Home alone, with my kitties, birds, and dog! Just peace and quiet...although I was a little bummed because I was alone and my family is far away.
I have two friends that I hang out with. They are related to eachother. Sisters-in-laws. One doesn't have a car and has been relying on me to pick her up from work every night to take her home so she doesn't have to walk at night or take the bus. I do offer to do this, but I feel like she's taking it a little for granted these days. If I am 5 minutes late to pick her up, I get a text from her saying "Where are you? Are you far away? Are you coming?" Anyway, she wanted to do Easter over at her brother's place, so I was invited to go along. Part of me thinks they really wanted me there...the other part of me thinks my friend just wanted a way to get herself and all her food over there for Easter. 
We ate...we played a game that was fun and I laughed a bit and smiled a bit, which is good. My big issue is...I think I made a mistake. I told my friends about my DID because I thought I could trust them and I just needed someone close to me to know. Now...any chance they get, they are making fun of me or mocking me with off the wall comments like "So...which one are we talking to now?", and "I think I just got hit on by a 5 year old." I probably don't help things when I just laugh it off, but it hurts so much and if I say anything they get mad and defensive. 
I have a history of sexual abuse in my past. I have an aversion to the male sex organs. I don't think men are bad...but I don't trust them...and I HATE thinking about and/or talking about the male genitals. My friends are aware of this. Yet they still consistently bring up conversations that have to do with specific male parts and they tease me about it saying stuff like "you know you want it" and other stuff like this. It makes me so angry and hurt. I just want to scream and cry and yell...."don't you realize that you are hurting me!?!", but I can't...the only thing I can do at the time is laugh with them. I don't know what else to do...it's like I am paralyzed. 
So, finally, we sit down to watch a movie, and it's a Disney movie. What's wrong with this you might ask. Well...nothing I guess. However, it seems like the more I watch Disney movies, or Disney-like movies, the more angry and hurt I get. It's like, all these movies do is sell BS. In these movies, the glass slipper ALWAYS fits, the Beast is always seen for the beauty that lives inside him, the prince always shows up and saves the princess, the good guys always win. In these movies, family and friendship survive the most brutal of obstacles and become stronger. There is always a "Happy Ending". This just makes me so mad, that this is what we feed our children. That life is like a Cinderella dream. Well it isn't!!!! It never has been for me...Ever. And I doubt it has ever been for anyone else here. 
Where is my Happy Ending? When will my glass slipper fit, and my Prince show up to take me a way to the Happily Ever After? Does that even fricken exist? Or is it all just a bunch of crap that's only purpose is to create false beliefs regarding reality? I know I am not the only one hurting tonight, and I am well aware that there are others who have it worse off than I. But honestly....how much can one person be expected to take?
If you actually read this....then thank you!!
That's all I can really say right now.....
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