I read your post, I really feel for you..you at least wrote it here...if it is too much to actually tell someone, you could show what you wrote here, print it out and just show someone, perhaps a female Pdoc, someone gentle and understanding, for the hurt you are carrying is too much to bear, to live with, to feel, for any one soul..I have the same hurt only I talk about it constantly, it frees me..that way I feel as if I have no shameful secret eating me up inside..therapists and Pdoc's can be pretty understanding, if you find the right one...please search..and let us know...you are cared for, here