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I am feeling really bad. saturday afternoon i layed down for a nap and was surprised that i was having homicidal thoughts. two of my parts had come out and were having the homicidal thoughts. I really got scared and called my t. she told me to just hold on until tuesday when we could deal with all the parts that are anrgy and full of energy. i was a bit disappointed in her response but thankful she didn't tell me to go to the hospital. i can't figure out what to do about the thoughts. i have allowed the two parts to come up and do some painting. i know there is a difference between thoughts and actually doing something about your thoughts. i have been so scared and terrified that i have isolated myself all day yesterday because i was afraid that one of them would come out and actually act on the thoughts.
it worries me because i don't know where all this is coming from. they just come up from no where. i haven't changed medications, i haven't started anything new. the only thing that has changed was my brother is in town and i heard my mother's voice on the phone for the first time in over a year (i don't talk with my mother because she is a toxic person in my life).
i feel dirty, sick, and paranoid because i am afraid that one of the parts will act upon the thoughts. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to be hurt.
i did manage to go to work today. now that i am home the thoughts have come back. i just have to hold on until tomorrow morning to see what my ts are going to do about this whole thing. i am still scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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