Your frustration at trying to get the help that you need is actually an indication of something that is positive. Despite the scary thoughts that are swimming around in your head, you really haven't given up yet. You are still fighting because you are feeling this intense frustration.

It's when you are feeling absolutely NOTHING that you should be truly scared. You are feeling a lot of SOMETHING, and that means that your struggle is still ongoing. You are still trying to live and you haven't yet given up.

The T that "dumped" you was probably not too great anyway. So don't waste your tears on that clown.