All my life, I have heard the quote...".if you don't want people to know how stupid you are, keep your mouth shut"......therefore, it stands to reason, that I have worked very hard to get my education & my knowledge, but if I keep my mouth shut, then people will not know how smart I am & might take it for how stupid I am.

I found that the people I respected most in life were those who had intelligent opinions about the things they knew about. Not people who bragged, but who in daily conversation allowed me to know what they knew & who they really were. That included many of the PhD's I worked with in the aerospace engineering career I had.

Working around many extremely intelligent engineers, unless I was able to communicate with them & let them know that I knew what I was talking about, there was no way I would ever get their respect & I believe it should have been that way as we worked as a team.....not as individuals & if they couldn't trust that I knew what I was doing.....there was no way of having a team.

I found it amazing that with just a few right words (not throwing around buzz words) in the right situation, I gained the respect I deserved.....If I had kept silent....they never would have known that I had the intelligence. How would they know what I had done in the past or what I knew if nothing was ever spoken?

I learned early on that keeping silent only made me look stupid & I definitely knew I wasn't stupid.....so why would I feed into that thinking? I worked hard at my degree & at the skills I accumulated over the years.....there was no point in wasting in on silence at the right place & right time. I don't mean bragging.....that is one thing I have always hated. I found that people who bragged were usually trying hard to cover up their stupidity or actually showing it off with a huge red flag. That is why communication skills are so important so that intelligence doesn't come across as bragging but is the real intelligence.....& silence doesn't show up as stupidity......a true art.

The truly wise person is able to discern the right time & way to let out the intelligence without it showing as covering up the lack of intelligence.

As much as you learned not to speak up, I learned to speak up. I would never let people take advantage of me or the people around me (especially family) from the time I was a child. It showed up in college when I was doing some mindless work for some lame musician out of his house. Long before computers, he asked me to do some writing up of files on 3x5 cards & told me he would pay me so much for each card. I did what he asked & then he said he wasn't going to pay me what he told me he was going to. I refused to give him the cards & told him I would just as soon burn them as take less money than he had originally agreed to. Sure enough.....I wouldn't be bullied & he gave me the amount he promised. When I told my Mother about what happened, she was surprised that I had enough nerve to stand up for what I knew was right. That has always been my driving force was making sure that what was right was what was being done. I stuck up for many people who couldn't seem to stick up for themselves......but all the time wondering why they weren't able to.

Then another time, I saw my Grandmother ragging on my Mother (now I realize it was abuse that had always been there) at Christmas when we had gone to all the trouble of making it out to their home. I confronted my Grandmother & let her have it for talking to my Mother the way she did & my Dad was about ready to pack everything back into the car & leave. (I was in college at the time). That was the first time my Grandmother had been confronted for being that way & that finally ended her treating my Mother the way she did.......I didn't care if my Grandmothers feelings were hurt after all the hurting she had caused my Mother, it was about time she was confronted & stopped.

I had many times with animals that were being abused where I stepped in & confronted the person.....I just could not sit back in silence when I saw things that were wrong surrounding me.

So many people go around in their life oblivious to others around them, not realizing the hurt or problems they cause.....I have learned that confrontation in the right way really can make a difference in a very good way......sometimes it ends up requiring a few honest apologies, but the good that is done is so much more than the bad that would continue if silence had been my choice.

I found through the years (I am now 56) that I was more respected by people when I was able to voice my opinion.....if nothing more than about where I would like to eat if I really cared.....if I really didn't care, then I would be honest & express that also.....but I found that the respect came from being honest about things & showing people that I am a real human being who does care about things rather than wanting them to assume it with my silence.

I always tried to find my way around having my opinion & still not hurting people by the way it was worded. That I have to admit is a difficult art to master, but I knew people who were able to do that & used them as my example to learn from. I also was sensitive enough if I did hurt someone to know that I needed to apologize in a way they could end up feeling respected also.

I believe that we don't have to be silent to keep from hurting people.....but it's important to know the right words that can express what we are feeling without hurting anyone. I don't want to go through life without people knowing who I really am......but who I am doesn't want to hurt people either....it's a fine line.....but wow, did I respect the people who could do that in my life & tried to be that way as much as possible in my own life.

I struggled with these thoughts many years, so when I read your post, it really tugged at the thoughts I had struggled with.

I understand where you are coming from & completely respect why you feel that the way you do.......so please do not take these to be aimed at changing anything......they are just feelings I have had on the same subject....just looking at it from another perspective & I felt the need to express the other perspective that I have struggled so hard with.


Debbie