I guess I was one of those strange women who never had the desire to have children. I made it clear before I got married that I didn't want children.....my husband went along with that, but found out later he didn't believe me & thought I would change my mind. I ended up getting pregnant & had our daughter. I thought about having an abortion, but couldn't go through with it when I really stopped to think about it & now really glad I didn't. I just made sure there would never be another accident.

It was easy getting pregnant & the pregnancy was so easy.....but I was too small & any baby would have been too big to have naturally.....so my options would have always been to have c-sections......I wasn't about to go through more than one of those. My ob-gyn made sure I went into labour before doing the c-section.....I didn't even realize I was in labour until I was really far dialated....surprise, I thought is was just indigestion from the whole bag of BBQ potatoe chips I ate after coming home from my night class that night. I never ate junk food until that bag of potatoe chips the whole time I was pregnant & only gained 5 lbs. Strange thing was I knew 15 minutes after I got pregnant that I was pregnant....just a wierd feeling I had. All that said & done, going through the c-section was tramatic for me.....& I just never was into babies.....they were always ok if they were someone elses. When they showed me my baby, they all mentioned what a beautiful baby she was....to me she was just an ugly wrinkles looking thing that came out of my body....I never had any of that maternal instinct that everyone talked about & really had no desire to hold & really have much to do with her......it had nothing to do with her...it would have been any baby as I just wasn't into babies. I always wondered what it is that causes me to feel that way.....I have no desire for grandchildren either like most older women do.

Just never was into babies....always wondered if the lack of desire for kids hormonal or mental...lol. It has never changed & I wasn't about to be talked into having another child when I wasn't good at being a mother to the one I had.

As she grew, my love for her grew.....I just wasn't into the baby thing....expecting her to act like a college grad by the age of 3 months.

Honestly if it hadn't been for my parents taking care of her while I was taking care of my career, she would not have turned out to be loved much at all. My husband was good with children.....that was one thing he was ok with as far as taking care of their needs.....he just couldn't communicate anything of value to her either......so we were really messed up parents, so I am glad I insited on not having more children....didn't need any more messed up children in he world.

My values have changed & my life has changed over these last 2 years.....now there are many things I want to communicate with my daughter along with the love I actually am really feeling. We can't go back & fix the messes we made, but we can go on from this point & make the changes at this point to correct the future.

Being a good parent is so difficult.....looking at society today, I can't imagine even bringing a child into this world the way it is now.....fighting the value systems & lack of moral values that the world is trying to force on people now.....I would never bring a child into the world at this point. I am glad that others don't feel the way I do, or we would end up with 0 population growth, or even negative in a few years if it was left up to me...lol.

Sadly now, there are so many children being into non-family situations which honestly isn't the best situation for the child no matter what a good parent we might be. Having that family social structure to bring children up under is an important part of why society is failing now. I look at society, I see a huge failing in the values that came at about the same time when the family structure no longer held any importance. It is just all to compicated for me to understand, but I would never wish a child into the world with it as it is now.

Just my opinion from all my observations lately,
Debbie