Hi there Mandy,
It was very brave for you to take this step and right it down. Kinda putting the real you out there and hearing what everyone else has to say. Well, your story really hit home with me.

I started using drugs +/- 5 years ago. For fun at first. I was at varsity, never had a problem with the stuff. I excelled in all my subjects and cum laude my degree. And so it contiued for 5 years, telling myself that i had this under control and could stop at any time. The only thing is, in telling myself this, I was really denying what was becoming a serious problem with substance abuse. The shame and the guilt of nobody knowing this secret life, and me having to hide it from those closet to me, just made it harder for me to stop. The guilt and shame and secrecy just kept on feeding my problem. I am just like you. My life always has been about pleasing others, wanting their approval more than anything else. But I've finally realized that you can never please everybody. I think you need to accept yourself for who you are and learn to approve of yourself. Self acceptance is what I found is important. What matters to me. You cannot realistically make everyone happy. Everytime you fail, this just makes you feel more dispondent, lowers your self esteem even further and paves the way for substances to help break you down even further.
Thinking you have it under control is a way of rationalizing the problem.. A way of telling yourself that it is okay, but it's really not. Mandy, please tell someone close to you, someone that you feel that you can trust, about this. Get it out in the open, and let someone help you. We all make mistakes, we are only human, we can not be perfect all the time. Sometimes things just get to much for us and we make the wrong choices. But, think about this, destroy the problem before it destroys you. You have a lot to motivate you. Your kids for starters. You need to take care of yourself now though. Speak to someone about this and maybe you can get to the core of the problem.

Mandy, the time is NOW to do something about this. I am only glad that I realized this now, and did not through my whole life away on this stuff. You are worth so much more than that. I know that you must be a strong person, because you were brave enough to post this, so be brave enough now to defeat these substances. Do not let them control you, but take control of you life. I'm not saying that it is going to be easy, it never is and that is why it is soo important to have someone there that will support you. Please, consider telling somebody close to you. Rather do this sooner than later. It will be something that you will have to face sooner or later.

Take care Mandy,
You will be in my thoughts and in my prayers,
Just remember, do not only rely on your own strength, but trust in the Lord, ask him for his guidance and his strength. And remember, you are worth so much more!!!