Dont really know why I am writing this except that I need to get it out and maybe someone will understand because I certainly dont.
I am on my 4th week of sick leave for severe depression and high anxiety and burnout. I am seeing a therapist and my doctor is working on changing my meds. I have been feeling a bit better for the last week, up and down, but better than the last 2 months. Since I have so much time on my hands, I have been doing a lot of thinking especially about work and I have come to realize I really dont want and cannot go back to that job, I can stay on sick leave for about 24 weeks without problems, my therapist tells me I am in no shape to make a decision but financially I cannot afford to just lie here and wait. Also I live with my 20yr. old daughter who lashes out at me every second day and I let her walk all over me and last night she told me that I do not suffer from depression, that I was just hurt by something that happened at work and I am acting like a spoiled brat and that I am just using my so-called depression to avoid life (work, social obligations, just plain living) and since I have been so down on myself lately I am starting to doubt my doctor, my T and my own state of mind. I know I cannot function like I used to, yesterday all I had to do was to meet with my T. which I did but it wiped me out. I know I cannot work 8 hrs. and everything it implies, I only go do my groceries and I come back exhausted.
I am sitting here crying, feeling so sad, so scared, so alone, so so mixed up.
People have always viewed me as a strong person because I have always been able to keep on going no matter what happened but right now my body and soul are telling me I cannot go on anymore but my brain tells me yes you can, get off your butt, go and face life.
I thought that just writing it would help me to see clearly or understand what is happening but it has just done the opposite, so mixed up, so scared...