I know it should... But it never does... Only today I put my whole life on hold trying to help someone. It paid off in the end, because I saved her life and, although we were close, we're majorly close now...

How can I deserve nothing bad when i've done so much wrong? Messed up so many peoples' lives?
I know where they're coming from and that's my Adoptive Family and a certain 28 year old that hates me because I found out that she was lying to me about things like her Auntie dying of Caner... When she knew full well that my Foster Dad died of cancer.. She came online today, just briefly and said...

"You should let go of the 'Life Rope', the world would be a far better place if a stupid, fat b**ch called sl*tty Kirsten didn't exist. You should never have been born"

She then went offline suddenly because she was afraid of what I had to say back. She should've been afraid. I had a huge mouthful to say about how cowardly she is not phoning me up and saying it, or waiting to see what I had to say and being so pathetic as to use her own insecurities against me. She knows I have an ED and she knows I almost died at Birth. She also knows that I get easily hurt by people, hence the "you should never have been born" the whole bit about sl*tty Kirsten, that was to do with the rapes. I know that. Heh. It cut me deep. but knowing that she's pathetic to say such harsh words to someone 11 years younger than her has kept me going. I was extremely close to an OD.

Luckily though, today I was desperately trying to help Vicki (the one I put my life on hold for today). She was incredibly suicidal, had just come back from hospital after OD'ing last night and just wanted to completely end it. I begged and pleaded, giving her reasons why she shouldn't do it. In the end, we made a pact. A positive pact. We said that if we don't have the will or strength to fight for ourselves, then we will fight for each other. because then we're still fighting and we're helping each other at the same time. I was os glad that she agreed with this. So, so glad. So.. yeah... If I don't ever cut or OD, or harm myself in any other way, ever again... It's because of her.. because I'll be fighting for her. I've never felt such a strong friendship connection with someone and it feels amazing. It's been just over 2 weeks since I last cut..

I say I'm selfish because I only think about myself, I only do things for myself and I do so much wrong and it hurts other people. It sounds stupid because of what I did today, now... but I feel like it's true... After all, I was told I'm selfish, even when i did do everything for others, nothign for myself...