Hi Guys,

Thanks for your nice and thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it.

I guess the hard thing with my boyfriend right now is that he's very hot and cold about his commitment to the relationship. While most of the time we're really close, every month or so he gets very cold and unresponsive. During these times, I get this strong impression he only talks about what he's doing and makes little effort to listen to where I'm at. And when I ask him what's going on, he says that he feels really disconnected from me. At these same times, he pulls out of any plans he's made with me. Then two weeks later, he'll be back and so excited, wanting to make plans immediately, and for me to drop everything.

On my end, it's been nearly 5 times now that he's seriously seemed not to really care about the future of us. When this happens I try to be patient and not judge, but I end up feeling like I can't rely on him. Already, moving away had to do with me being fed up of waiting for him to make a plan that included me, having promises he wanted to do this, and it never quite happening. I feel like in my head I'm already on my own again.

Since in the new place I'm living, I don't have a lot of close girlfriends nearby, I'm very much in this solo mode. I'm afraid that when he comes, he'll think my life here is boring and that I'm a loser for not having more of a social network. I'm a very studious, career oriented person, and while I have close friends in other cities, it takes me time to meet new people. I'm afraid he'll see how lonely I am when he comes, and not want to be with me.

Crazy as it sounds, I'm also afraid that maybe I'm happier without him. Somehow it's easier to be lonely than try to feel good enough for a fun, smart, sexy, popular person. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn't understand the really hard struggles I've been through. He doesn't get how grueling it is to grow up as a child often alone with depressed, fighting adults. It's harder for me to have fun than for maybe some people.

Anyway, this turned into quite the rant. I think I've said enough. Thanks for listening.