Hi~

I'm in therapy and childhood SA is one of the issues that I'm trying to deal with. I have isolated myself so much over the years that I don't know how to be social anymore. My t is convinced that I wont stop hiding in my house until the SA is dealt with. He thinks I have ptsd among other things.

In our last session, I brought up that I find it impossible to forgive myself for the abuse and that I feel as if I should punish myself, even after all these years. He said, "that isn't very effective" -- I'm in DBT -- and I said, "I don't know about that, maybe punishing myself has actually been very effective."

T didn't like that comment too much. He wants me to spend some time with this thought as fodder for next weeks session.

I think I know intellectually where he'll go with this, that self punishment is inherently a bad thing and does no one any good...he'll do battle with my cognitive distortions and all of that....

But I really do feel that by punishing myself I've kept myself safe. I know that I'm not supposed to feel this way. I know that it is the right time for this to come out by the dreams I'm having. I'm getting too old to carry this any longer...

I must say that I'm also scared out of my mind to confront this issue, and the fear is manifesting itself by me turning into a frightened, child-like ball of emotions in session. Words even leave me, it's like my cognitive function just leaves the building. Embarrassing. So my t just has me sit with the emotion and describe if I can, what is happening. He is taking it slowly and gently.

I don't know why I'm saying all of this. Sometimes I think that I'm too old now and that I should either be over it, or that I'm too old to change. But I can't live like this any longer.