Hello weathered and welcome to bp forum. I believe this is your first time here, so I just want to say, I'm glad you posted.

Okay, now down to business. First, the fact that you know you have a problem and that it is bp, you're already half way there. Good for you.
Second, getting help is absolutely no sign of weakness whatsoever. It shows great strength of character and that you DO care more than you're giving yourself credit for. You speak tenderly of your wife, and the fact that you can express your feelings of "I don't care" is indicative of the very fact that you DO care, otherwise you never would've brought it up. I do, however believe that you are emotionally overwhelmed, as bp's get and that you just go into shut down mode. It's a little thing called "self-preservation". You are trying to look and take on everything all at once, this is a mistake. Just take it one thing at a time. The first being, go to a pdoc and get medical attn. You don't have to be on lithium and all that goes along with it. There are a great many bp drugs out there with a lot less hassle. If you feel pdoc is not listening to you, find another that will.

Getting chemical assitance can be vital to someone with bp. Otherwise, you enter onto paths that are highly self-destructive and ruin every relationship you have. Bp is a progressive illness, so the fact that you've left it unchecked for the past 10 years and are now realizing you need help, reveals the truth of that statement.

The anger, irritability, frustration, racing thoughts and multiple thoughts at once are all symptoms of bp. It's important you find out what type of bp you have. Tracking your moods on a daily basis will reveal that information.
Are you in therapy? This is also an excellent tool for coping with your illness. There are an awful lot of psychological issues that go hand in hand with this chemical imbalance. Many times, meds are not enough to resolve all that need resolving. This is where a lot of confusion comes in for you.

What I really want to tell you is that you MUST deal with the physical aspect of your illness before you can deal with everything else. You need to take care of you right now, your relationship issues cannot be resolved until you get that under control. Can you love yourself enough to get the help you need? And if not, can you love your wife enough to get the help you need? And if not, can you love your children enough to get the help you need?
It's time to prioritize to the best of your ability and with the help of qualified professionals. Getting help for your bp illness is no different than getting help for diabetes or cancer or heart problems. Would you think it a sign of weakness if your wife had one of these problems and sought medical attn for it? This is no different.

I'll be here for you to support you and encourage you. I've been dealing with my bp illness for over 20 years now, diagnosed about 8-9 years ago. I kept searching until I found what works for me. What works for me will not be the same as what works for you. Just Please, don't give up. It's worth the fight to get the help you need.
Thinking of you! TgrsPurr, xo