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06:04 PM

[quote=Calista+12;998662]I just wrote a big long post and it disappeared!

Stomps foot for you! i hate it when that happens!!!

Thank you so much for all you say and do. i do have a hard time not knowing if it's real or not and, even as i say that, clamoring inside "it is!". i dunno. The r.a. people messed with my mind so so much. Some days i wonder if i'm just psychic...if that's how i know so much about r.a. and, after a nice long repreive from doubting, i find myself back to needing to do "the puzzle" over and over again--(yeah well, you dreamed about being left in a car while dad drank but sister said happened to her all the time and nobody ever talked to me about anything or anyone in that family...yeah well you dreamed about the awful thing i've mentioned before and then a childhood best friend said you told her about it...yeah well you had an awful flashback then remembered not dissociated time brother took you to that church)...i do this ALL the time! Either it's silent in my head or it's non-stop.

It's not in the past...hate that saying. PTSD by definition, it's not in the past! ...and i know i go through it over and over and over because i can't let myself FEEL any of it. i can think it but can't handle feelings. So it goes on forever.

Anyway, adding it's the same thing about my parts. Believing but being unsure...wishing that for once and for all i could just KNOW everything!

Sorry, i started to just write thanks

But i do say thanks, k.