Hello,

The hospitals was just one reason, a major one, but just one reason I cut her off. Her choice of schools she was sending me to was the other. The schools from age 10-16 was hell. All of them had solitary rooms (time out rooms as they called them). The first school I had a bullie. He was always attacking me when the teacher wasn't looking. Put me in the trash can in the bathroom as well as the classic swirly (head in the toilet thing). Every time I tried to report it to the teacher I got "I didn't see it, so I can't do anything about it". So it went on for some time. The only way I could deal with it was to leave class for a bit. However this ment the time out staff coming and getting me and putting me in the solitary room until I was willing to go back to class. It was a tough choice because the time out staff were just as crule. I would be dragged into the room, swong around into the chair facing the wall and pushed into the chair. So it was a toss up, bullie in the classroom or time out room staff. I hated school.

The next school I had this kid that would take my books and throw them in the trash, spit on me, hit me when the teacher wasn't looking. I had a teacher that refused to come over and explain things to me, she would write the assignment on the board and tell everyone to do it. And I was having trouble with that student in the classroom. Of course I was the one starting it all the time. So I got fed up and decided to teach myself the work. I was sitting out by the lunch tables and did my work where it was quiet and I could get the work done. I go to turn in the work and she refused to accept it because it wasn't done in front of her.

Finally they transfer me to a different classroom. Things go well for a bit and then another bullie surfaces. He would sock me in the stomach when the teacher wasn't looking, he would whisper for me to have sex with him and other sexual comments. When I go to report it, they didn't see it/hear it so it didn't happen. I would leave class to cool off. But that wasn't allowed there either. I was taken to the solitary room. A 4X10 room with carpet on the walls and floor and a steel door with a handle on only the ourside which a staff member would sit in a chair and hold the door closed. The room smelled of stale pee. When a student is locked in there, they are not let out till the time is up. So they end up peeing on the carpet because they can't hold it. Times in there varied from 30 minutes to as long as 2 hours at a time. At this school a staff member even took off his belt and spanked me with it for not following directions.

Then I was transfered again to another school. This one was like a darn prison. You couldn't even go to the bathroom by yourself. You had to have a staff member take you to the bathroom, and the guy would stand behind you while you went, our outside the staff if you had to poop. I had issues there from day one. I got some ink pens the day before I was to start attending there. I wanted to make this place work. So I showed up to class and started my work. This staff member (the big buff muscles guys that drink the buff up drinks) comes up to me and accuses me of stealing his pen and demanded me to give him the pen. I tried to explain it was mine, he still demanded me give him the pen. I refused. He lunged after the pen in my hand, knocking me back in the chair, breaking the table and the fan on it on the way down. Once on the floor he grabbed the pen and remarks "now who has the pen?". Then he forced me flat on the floor, face down. The staff member in the room next door heard the crash and came in. He assumed I was going off and helped the guy hold me down. Now spread eagle the guy put his elbow into my right shoulder blade and pushed it in causing pain. I just kept screaming. 45 mintes of this he finally lets me up, while walking down to join the class he tells me "Try anything and I will drop your *** on the ground, I don't care".

That wasn't the last of him I would see. He picked me to go after. He would call me "white boy" just to get me going. When I try to leave class to get away from him and step outside to cool off, he would stop me and slam me to the floor. There was a time when the students had to take a deck of cards with times table problems on them. The students had 30 seconds to get the answer of each card and do as many as possible in that time. I had done it for a week or so until I was unable to go an futher than 14 cards. Yet I was being made to keep doing it and told I needed to get atleast one more card per week or get in trouble. I was fustraighted and fed up so I refused to do it. I did all my other work, just not the cards. So my punishment for not doing the cards was my lunch was taken away each day and put on the file cabinet but put so I could see it. This went on for 2 months my lunch would be taken away.

Another time I was using the classroom computer and the staff member standing by the door, he let another student attack me. The kid put a noose around my neck and tried to chock me, I fought him off. And instead of the staff breaking it up, he allowed the student to then attack me. I was forced to fight him. I am not a violent person. I try to walk away whenever possible. That wasn't going to happen. The last incident that day was there was I had a disk full of stories I had written. A student had erased it. When I asked for something to be done about it (loss of points or something) nothing happened. I was angry so I took some of the kids tokens that are given to the students to keep track of their behavior through the day. The staff member a bit later wanted the tokens back. I was slammed against the closet door and my pockets searched for them. He didn't find them. I was left in the classroom while the rest of the students went to the on site ice cream store for not giving up the tokens. After the students leave Sabas, starts in. He apparoches me and takes my hands and forces them on the desk and smashes my fingers until they lay flat on the desk. I picked them up and told him to leave me alone. He did it again and again I told him to leave me alone. Then he tells me "why are you here, your a waste of time". I made eye contact with him and he says "why are you looking at me? Your gay huh? Why don't we move you to the other classroom and you can sit next to freddy" (freddy was a cross dresser).

When 3pm came around and it was time to leave, I had all I could handle. Only my way to the bus the teacher caught up to me and told me "don't do it". I hadn't told him anything about the day or what I was thinking. But somehow he knew. I went home, got on my bike and rode over to my therapists office. I told him what had been going on (my mom never believed me at all about any of it at any school). I told him I wasn't go back there and that I wanted to die to escape the abuse. Of course I was sent to the hospital, but only for a day. The truth came about about Sabas and he was fired and in his record he could not work with children in the future. But I was afraid to go back there anyway.

I reached 18 in 6 months so I was just kept out of school, dropped out. I got a job and lost it when I was 19. I was assigned to a mental health center as a security guard. I was waiting for a trasnfer because of my past issues with hospitals. However one night a child of about 12 came in. The kids parents just dumped him off. The poor kid was crying for his mother. I was ordered to take him next door to the locked unit. He went limp crying and then kept trying to open the door to screaming for his mom. The staff ordered me to handcuff the boy. I HATED doing that. Then he wouldn't stop trying to leave so they placed him in the restraint rooms and tied him down. The kids arms wouldn't fit the restraints do they used maxi pads to take up the space so the restraints would hold him. The kids screams were horrible to hear. Atleast for me. I really effected me. I ended up losing my job because I refused to assist in putting him in restraints. I was admitted there 2 days later for depression and a suicide attempt. I was having flashbacks and nightmares from my past I was already dealing with that working there brought up. And it just got extreamly worse with having to put the kid in the restraints. I just related to him and it effected me alot. I ended up on disability for several mental issues including the PTSD

While there I had issues. I arrived and from working there I knew this one guy was gay. No big deal, but he wanted to do a strip search and I told him I didn't feel comfortable. And I told him I would rather wait in the processing area until shift change. He comes back with two staff members and drags me into the restraint room and tied me down. Then I am hit with Haldol. An hour later I am not out so they hit me again. Didn't pass out but instead spent the next 10 hours seeing things. Apparently I had a reaction to it. So at that time the staff comes in and sees I am wet (I have a bed wetting problem with day time accidents and wear protection for it). Anyway he takes my pants down, removes the diaper. Doesn't bother to clean me up at all, just take chucks (basically it's a paint soaker is the best I can describe them) and put one across my waist, and the other between my legs and pulls up my pants. All this time I am not given food or water. 4 hours later I am finally let up. Seems the new shift didn't even know I was in there. I got up, as I figured the chucks did nothing, I had been laying in a pool of urine for almost 3 1/2 hours. I got up and it ran off the bed and pooled under their desk. Pants soping wet I had to then preform the stip search and change clothes. When I asked for a new diaper (I had some with me when I came in) the dude holds it up and yells down to the other end of the nurses station "Can stanley have this?" the guy asks what it is, the nurse yells back "It's one of stanley's diapers". I was so embarrassed. It could have been handled far more descreatly. I was there 3 more days and released. I had 2 more visits but they were decent for the most part.

When I was 21 I moved away to NY to be with some friends I had made online. Was the best thing I ever did leaving my moms place and getting away. However New York was another issue. I was dealing with the PTSD and also self injury that I started doing when I was 16. I was locked up in the NY psych wards twice for the self injury and depression. The last time I was sent there I was told if I came back in again as inpatient they would use ECT (shock therapy) on me. It scared the hell out of me so when I got released I packed up and moved back to california. That's when I gave my mom the second chance and moved to redding.

I was seeing a therapist over the years for what happened. It was helping. However in 2001 I moved to Redding California without really checking into the services first. I went to mental health to get set up with services. They take Medi-cal, but not Medi-care. I tried to get services set up but they told me because I have Medi-care they would not give me services, that I had to find my own. They told me to go home and call out of the phone book. I called everyone out of the phone book. Either I got told they need a referal from mental health because they are in a system with mental health that they need a referal from mental health to take someone. Or the other responces was they were eigher full with patients, or wanted $100.00 or more per hour. At one time my friend was paying for me to go, she's great. But things changed and she couldn't afford to pay for the sessions anymore. I later found out mental health had a buy in program for $6.00 a month. I tried to sign up for that but was told I couldn't because I had insurance, but they won't take the insurance. So I have no way to get help.

So I have been stuck calling hotlines for help. And as that goes, the hotlines call the cops and they show up at my door. Depending on how depressed I am they will take me to the ER. I sit in the ER for 6 hours until mental health shows up. Then I go there for another 4-5 hours. I get told they will not help me. That if I want therapy bad enough I will come up with the money for it. And they send me home. If I came in suicidal under a 5150 involuntary hold, they reverse the hold and send me home, suicidal or not.

Now though the police told me if they come out again I will be punished like last time for calling the hotline. The last time I called the hotline I was taken to the other hospital here. When I got there they took all my things away and then told me to strip and put on a gown so the doctor can do a medical exam. While the nurse was gone I got the urine sample ready and sat waiting. He came back and I gave up my stuff but I explained to the nurse that I was extreamly uncomfortable with being exposed in just a gown. That I would be happy to pull up my shirt for the doctor to listen to my heart and stuff, but that I needed to be in my clothes. He goes out and I hear from outside "get the restraints". I freaked. In comes the nurse, a guard, the cop that brought me in, and 2 other people. This head nurse tells me either I can strip or they will restrain me to the bed, cut off my clothes, and put a catheter in me, and then tells me if I touch them in the process I will be arrested for assult. I had no choice but to remove my clothing and put on the gown. An hour later the doctor comes in and starts telling me I must really like it there and like being treated this way because I keep coming back. He never did any kind of exam which was the whole reason for the gown being forced on. 3 hours later mental health shows up and takes me over to their place and then sends me home. Because of the incident I had violent nightmares for 2 months after and have never called a hotline since out of fear of being taken back there.

So I asked about the voluntary unit here in town run by mental health to try to get some help for the nightmares and flashbacks. There is currently a block on me because they feel I am trying to use it as a makeshift therapist. So the hospital is told not to let me in. Instead I am told if I want to be in the hospital at all, I have to drive 300 miles to a voluntary hospital down there. If I don't have money for a therapist, how would I have money for the gas to go there. I have no choice right now but to just take it. I am clean out of idea's on how to get better.

Sorry for the long letter, there is just so much junk that I have been dealing with and no one to talk to about it. I have my friend, but I kind of don't want to overload her or nothing. It's not her job to be my therapist and it's not right to bug her all the time about it. Thanks for the ear.

-Stanley