(((((((((sas))))))))))
You did well to post your feelings.
It is very hard. The pain is there and you are feeling so very vulnerable.
Drinking doesn't work as you have stated.
Being in pain is wretched.
I hear you on the feeling weak and never being allowed to talk or express yourself never mind asking for help.

It is hard to convince yourself that it is safe.
But it is.
It IS safe to talk.
It IS safe to ask for help
It IS safe to write and express feelings

I am proud of you for posting.
Try and think of your safe place. Make yourself go there physically or in your mind.
Wrap a blanket around yourself and imagine being held.
I am sitting with you.