Anyone ever feel like this ??

When i was a child i used to try to masturbate like i was a man , with different objects and seemingly enjoyed it . Anyway i havent done this in a long time , but today in T things came up about whether or not anyone ever did girly things with me as a child . Which brought up a lot of stuff that wasnt addressed when i was a child, like puberty and all that came with it . Many times over the course of our relationship i have told T that i dont like thinking of myself as a woman ect ( yes i was a csa victim) . So after T today i came home with all this crap on my mind and had this need to stand up to pee . I dont know why . I dont think i have an underlying desire to be a man or anything , but sometimes i really hate girly things .