Thanks Sky... Your response makes sense but I am struggling to make it work for me.

My H and I have been married for 13 yrs. I've always been a bit distant but H is struggling with some life changes and is needing a bit more from me. However, I am not feeling much love and connection towards him at the moment; but I am commited to our relationship. I want it to work and I want both of us to be happy together.

H really needs the physical connection and I want to be able to provide what he needs. Unfortunately when I do I feel like crap. For example: when I leave the house in the morning, I prompt myself to give a hug and say, "I love you". I act as if, I like and want the physcial contact and say the postive affirmating thoughts I want to be true. But then afterwards I think... I'm lying because...I'm not sure I really feel that...I'm not really feeling anything.

Where things get really bad for me is with the more intimate contact. Since I'm not really physically drawn to him, when he touches me I am uncomfortable, I get hypersensative, its not pleasurable, and my skin starts to crawl. I feel like I am just placating him, and the your just a dirty, little, ***** loop from my past starts to play in my head. To cope with the mental noise the crawling skin and anxiousness, I dissconnect/numb. Afterwards I feel disgusting/filty and frustrated because I just allowed myself to be used yet again.

So what starts as an attempt to "Act as if" ends with me feeling like a liar, fake and *****. Of course then I have to beat myself up for being cold and distant and not being able to connect deeply and love someone.