Where things get really bad for me is with the more intimate contact. Since I'm not really physically drawn to him, when he touches me I am uncomfortable, I get hypersensative, its not pleasurable, and my skin starts to crawl. I feel like I am just placating him, and the your just a dirty, little, ***** loop from my past starts to play in my head. To cope with the mental noise the crawling skin and anxiousness, I dissconnect/numb. Afterwards I feel disgusting/filty and frustrated because I just allowed myself to be used yet again.

So what starts as an attempt to "Act as if" ends with me feeling like a liar, fake and *****. Of course then I have to beat myself up for being cold and distant and not being able to connect deeply and love someone.