((((((((((Patricia))))))))))) -
thanks for the hugs - but I don't deserve them!

what you said here is so true - it is a way to AVOID feelings. That's what makes it such an effective coping skills, even though it is maladaptive.

My T said it is one of the things that is keeping me from attempting suicide again....she knows I can't give it up right away or the feelings will be too much for me. So in that regard the ED is actually a good thing.
My T is pretty insightful about all of this and it is really nice to have someone undersand so well.

You seem to understand really well, too, Patricia......

Also, I wouldn't say you don't have the 'fortitude' to keep from eating. I think you have a lot of fortitude, which is evident in how long you've been recovered from ED behaviors.