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Where things get really bad for me is with the more intimate contact. Since I'm not really physically drawn to him, when he touches me I am uncomfortable, I get hypersensative, its not pleasurable, and my skin starts to crawl. I feel like I am just placating him, and the your just a dirty, little, ***** loop from my past starts to play in my head. To cope with the mental noise the crawling skin and anxiousness, I dissconnect/numb. Afterwards I feel disgusting/filty and frustrated because I just allowed myself to be used yet again.
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Chaotic,
Sounds like a horrible cycle that you can't get out of.
I'm sorry you are going through this......I can see why it is so hard for you to try to 'fake it'.
I think it would be worthwhile for you to discuss it with T to figure out how to break the cycle.
This made me think about how at my last appointment my T reminded me of "wise mind", from DBT - it is a balance between the intellectual and emotional mind. Is there anyway you could try to access this part of you when you feel the cycle of uncomfortable feelings begin?