Chaotic, but your inner dialogue is the one faking it, its telling you your a ***** etc and your not, your just wanting to enjoy adult sexual contact, so perhaps you've got it back to front, you are entitled to enjoy adult sexual activity, so that wouldnt be a fake its the voice telling you the oppersite. I use to feel like this a while back, I will say I have no guilt about enjoying sex now and no guilt about what it means to me and no guilt about sometimes having sex and bloody well enjoying it for sex's sake!!