Thanks Ktgirl and mouse. This issue seems to be bothering me more lately.I've been trying to figure out why and how to reverse it.

Maybe it was less visible because a year ago I had REALLY good reasons for not wanting to play the role of my H's blowup doll anymore. We were having problems at that time it was more related to things he was doing and how he was treating me and the kids. I've since taken action, demanded change and slowly I've gotten it.The verbal abuse/emotional attacks are now nipped in the bud and he is doing more to contribute to our home. Unfortunately, I'm still a but bruised from the past few years and with the digging I've done in therapy the recent past and distance past seem to be all tangled up.

H is trying hard to reconnect with me but it is hard for both of us. Lately he has been repeatedly telling me how much he loves me, how attracted he still is to me, how sometimes when I come home from work he just wants to hug me and "do things to me." The adult me knows that this attention is OK and I should be grateful for it. I know that MANY women would die to hear their H's say these things. But the child and adolescent in me....TOTALLY freaks out hearing these words and getting this type of attention.Their response is, "Yeah, I bet you do want to touch and do things to me. They all wanted that. Get in line!! Also the adult me feels shallow and guilty because..like I said I'm committed to the relationship, but I am not feeling physically attacted to him at the moment. This also makes it hard for me.

In reflecting about how my childhood abuse affects me. Although it wasn't really severe, it was small chronic exposures to groping boys before before I ever understood that there were personal benefits to being groped, if you know what I mean. I never had a chance to make the emotional--physical--mutual benefit connection. Sex is kind of always been a physical thing, when I am not benefiting from it or feeling comfortable the abuse memories and feelings of being used start creeping in.

I think because of my childhood, I don't fully connect (securely attach??) with people. In past relationships when guys started showing signs of being jealous, asking questions about where I'm going, expecting me to do things, I've felt smothed, controlled, not-free. The love twitch flipped off and I took off.

Now I am trying to work through the disconnect and get the electricity flowing again. It simply isn't working.

Sorry for presenting my life's history. You all have said some things that have me trying to put together why I am still struggling..even though my H has made some good changes. I know at this point the problem is me.