[splitimage]

As many of you know, I'm an alcoholic, who has really struggled with staying sober, although I do keep trying. My problem is I'm getting conflicting advice that I'm trying to sort out in my head. Any feedback would be appreciated.

1. My addictions Dr at my treatment centre. She looks at addiction from purely a medical model, and I have to say the treatment centre has been great for me, it's where I first got sober, and they have some good aftercare support groups. She's all about meds. Currently she's mandating that I take antabuse, under threat of reporting me to the ministry of transportation and getting my licence revoked for being alcoholic. I'm currently in a psych hospital, but when I'm out, I have to go to her hospital every day to take the antabuse under a nurses supervision. I do get a lot of support out of the groups I go to, but I don't believe that this will keep me sober long term as it hasn't in the past. I eventually always go off the antabuse and get drunk. My addictions Dr. is not necessarily totally pro AA either. She knows I've had problems in the past with the spirituality aspect and so thinks that AA may not be the best fit for me.

2. The AA camp. Right now I'm pretty heavily involved in AA or at least as heavily involved as I can be given that I'm in a psych hospital. My longest period of sobriety was when I was active in AA. They're telling me I should get off of the antabuse and just focus on working the 12 steps. My sponsor is also telling me that if I don't get a concept of a higher power, and pray to that higher power, that I'll never get sober. I do believe in the 12 steps but struggle a lot with the higher power concept. I'm willing to believe in the idea, but can't at this point believe in a "personal" god. Also I have MI and there's a real substream of AA where I am, that is pretty vocally anti meds, and says that mental illness should not be discussed at meetings.

3. My social worker at the psych hospital. I like her a lot & she's good. I'm in for their mood and anxieties program and am the only patient who also struggles with addiction. So my psychiatrist has set me up with a social worker to do some intensive one on one counselling around relapse prevention. I'm thinking this will be useful. She's focussing on helping me manage my moods and negative thinking and distress tolerance with the idea that if I get better at that i won't need to drink quite so strongly. She's using a lot of DBT techniques. She's also not particularly pro AA and has suggested an alternative group that doesn't have the same focus on the higher power. She has however also given me the meeting schedule for double trouble which is a 12 step group for people with concurrent disorders.

I fully recognize that I need better coping skills which the social worker is helping me develop, but I also think I need more support.

I keep coming back to the fact that the only time I managed an extended period of sobriety was when I was active in AA, so I know it works. And I think if I can work on being more open minded about the HP concept it can really help me.

I don't know - I just feel like I've got all these people telling me to do it their way and I don't trust my instincts enough to know what's right.

I do know that I want to stay sober with all my heart right now, no matter how tempting getting fast oblivion from the drinking is & it can be very tempting.

I guess I want to choose from the different approaches what works for me, but I'm afraid I don't trust my own judgement.

Any thoughts?

Thanks

--splitimage

[Perna]

Split, you have to trust your own judgement because that's the only person's judgement that matters!

I think you are trusting your instincts because you delineated the problem so well in your post, knowing what is/has worked for you, what you like, what you would like from others (more support), etc.

There's no way for another person to tell you what you need, they can only make suggestions, only work from what has worked with other patients/clients with your problems. Notice I didn't say "like you" because no one else is "like you" anymore than there is such a thing as "average" or "normal".

I personally liked your description of the new social worker and the group and methods she was suggesting. Yes, AA has helped you in the past but you have tried that and it has flaws for you. I would not try to bend myself around their methods, the HP concept, but would try a bunch of other methods first, to see if there isn't something out there that fits you better. My favorite saying, "I'm the right size, it's the pants that don't fit" comes to mind

You cannot be wrong in your own life because you are the prime/"only" actor therein! It's your show! So, you can choreograph it any way you wish

[J.O.M.]

You put the issues forward so well!

AA, or most 12 step programs advocate a higher power, the programs themselves often say 'God of my understanding' and of course there's always those who will run with the God concept and push their own agenda as the correct one.

What exactly is a higher power? It's different for each person. For some it's the "God of my understanding' for others it's a role model, for still others it's a goal and for still others it's life itself.

The medical aspect is an aide, a forceful consequence if use occurs...while it isn't an answer to the issue it's a means to help one gain time to seek those answers.

If you'd like to look into alternatives to AA, there is one called Rational Recovery which is online, it has work books and other items that have been helpful to others.

There isn't one road to recovery, there are hundreds, perhaps thousands. Some are super highways, but not everyone is comfortable on the interstate, others are paved two lanes, still plenty of traffic, still others are narrow dirt lanes, the occasional traveler can be seen, and still others are foot paths, a more relaxed easy going path which suits those who wish to take the time to actually look at the scenery...

You can't expect another person's shoes to fit, so why would you expect another person's way of recovery to fit you?

You are different than anyone else, so take what works for you and leave the rest behind.

No one knows your mind and heart like you, yourself, do.

[madisgram]

hi split, long time no see but i'm back!! i read what you wrote re trouble believing in a higher power. i'm in aa and when i first stayed/got sober it was reccomended since i felt as you do, to place my trust in the aa group. this made sense to me cause the group had a success rate i did not have having relapsed many times. the good news is that it worked and i didn't have to be stuggling with having a higher power like GOD in my life right away. today i do have a GOD in my life but that's just me. i've been sober 20 years. so if you're comfortable with aa and it seemed to be working for you perhaps you will give this idea a try. i'm surprised that no one has mentioned this to you. you sound like you want to stay sober. aa does not tell you what you can believe in. keep us posted and will be thinking of you...you have the motivation. i felt i was not going to get it....and i did!!! i still go to meetings regularly. i also am bipolar. i don't discuss this or my meds at meetings. it's just another illness i have and i take care of that separately. some aa's don't understand that meds for MI are not opiates, etc. it's just a lack of informaion on their part.